Single girl's guide to Valentine's Day
If you're single on 14 February, fear not - you're not alone.
Sink your teeth into Valentine's Day I am thinking of booking a ticket to Saudi Arabia for 14 February. Valentine's Day is actually banned there, and what a wonderful idea that is. No hearts and flowers to put up with, cutsey teddy bears, or cheap roses. No happy couples bouncing about irritatingly, their limbs and genitals apparently glued together. No serenades and wedding proposals in expensive restaurants, no dire romantic comedies, or tacky Ann Summers window displays. Britain, in the wave of love mania, can be a difficult place for the single girl. Unless she has the right attitude…
The expense
For one day a year those dating or in a relationship are supposed to become 'romance' experts, with the purchase of tacky cards and presents an acceptable sport, and dinner pour deux at some ridiculously named restaurant, serving en croute hearts on everything, a must. The expense of your beau's gifts, the wrapping paper, the card, maybe champagne to offer him on arrival and, of course, your new outfit is steep in the financial stakes, but the bill at the restaurant tops it all. Doubled or trebled, the cost of a meal on Valentine's Day can cause monetary choking, which is rather a pain, especially when you have forked out for nothing more than a mass-produced menu and some penguin suits murdering a violin in your left ear. Certainly not my idea of a great night out, but then any couple that can stand to sit in a restaurant competing against their fellow diners for the Everlasting Love Award deserve to be charged an extortionate amount.
Single girl benefits: Add up what you would have spent had you been in coupled hell this Valentine's – and then go and buy that fabulous jacket/bag/lipstick/piece of jewellery you've had your eye on. Spend the night with your solo girlfriends at a non-Valentine's venue - the theatre, cinema, gigs or your home. Exchange cards (you love your mates after all) and have a laugh about the poor souls with maxed out credit cards simulating romance out there. Anyone who moans about being single is to be shown the door.
The Sex
In a relationship, rampant sex is expected to follow the Valentine's meal, helped along by the expensive lingerie we would apparently be wearing. Of course, it doesn't help that consuming a five-course dinner makes us feel more Nelly the elephant than svelte temptress, but it's hard to say, "Sorry, darling I don't feel up to it" on this particular night of the year. Nationwide, our coupled girlfriends will be sucking in over-stuffed stomachs, re-manoeuvring their tits into tight basques, and plastering on their ready-for-sex smiles. Really, we shouldn't laugh…
Single girl benefits:
Stuff your face - whether alone or with friends - safe in the knowledge that the growing spare tyre is for your eyes only. If you like your lingerie (and I do) buy some – this is not an exercise in seduction, but one in sensuality – and a great little gift to yourself.
And as for romance?
Romance cannot be defined in a commercial 24 hours. The pressure to perform as two people totally in love, in the perfect relationship, ticking the boxes of the marketing romance machine, all on one day of the year, should leave us with plenty of reasons to celebrate our single girl status. Romance is impulsive, imaginative and mysterious. It can be found in the smallest of ways, and often the most surprising. I'm sure Saint Valentine would agree.
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